sooo

Once again, it has taken me forever and a day to write in this little blog. It has just moved to the bottom of my list of things to do. But I'm doing it now so yea. Well, I don't even know what has happened since the last time I blogged. The only thing I can think of is Jay Jay's passing.

Here's the breakdown:
Jay Jay is my brothers best friend from high school. It was always my brother, Jay, Jeff, and Oscar together hanging out at my house. I grew up with these guys in my life. They are like my brothers. Well, after high school my brother and Jay joined the Army. Jay went to Iraq and when he came back, he found out he had bone cancer. He fought it for years. Was in remission for awhile. And this past year, it had gotten really bad. He was in a wheelchair and everything. Sad. What's worse is, my whole family had no idea about how bad it was. No clue. But he didn't want us to worry or anything. He wanted so bad to call us but he knew it would hurt us. So one day my brother calls Tonie and Tonie calls me telling me that Jay is in the hospital. I didn't think much of it cause I figured he would fight through it. I didn't know how sick he was. Well, he passed away the next day while we were at Disneyland. The Happiest Place on Earth. Ironic, isn't it? Well we didn't find out til the next day when I hopped onto Facebook after work and saw my brothers headline. And I knew the second I read it. I didn't want to believe it. I was wishing he was talking about something else. I got into the shower and just letit sink in. I got out and Tonie still didn't know. I told her that she needed to call my brother. And she broke down seconds after I said that. I personally hate when Tonie gets emotional. She is too much for me. It's hard for me to show emotion. Somy brother confirmed the news. Later, Jeff came over and explained to us what had been happening in the past year. Jay was in a lot of pain with the cancer and was doing anything and everything to try and fight it. It was hard to listen to.

Yesterday was the funeral. The whole week leading up to the funeral and the viewings, I avoided it as much as possible. I kept myself busy. I didn't go to the novena at their house. I didn't go to the Wednesday night viewing. I avoided it at all cost. I was trying to convince myself that I would wake up from this nightmare just to see my brother and Jay and Jeff and Oscar eating in my kitchen with Tonie talking to them and them laughing. The way it should be. Thursday night was the last viewing with the Rosary. I finally had to face the music. I walked up to the casket and I lost it immediately. It hurt so much to see him lying there, unable to breathe. Gone. It was finally the moment that I didn't want to face. My brother Jay was there. It was too much for me. I cried for a long time during the prayer. When the Rosary was finally over, we had one last chance to see him before they closed the casket and we could never see his physical body again. I couldn;t look at him. It was too hard. I literally glanced over and started crying and walked away. I just didn't have it in me to look again.

Friday was the day. The mass was nice. It was touching of course. The procession to the cemetary seemed like the longest car ride ever. When we finally got to the cemetary, there were some soldiers there waiting to do that whole ceremony thing they do when a soldier or veteran passes away. They stood at the herse and saluted him. It touched my heart. As the casket was drwan from the herse and taken to the grave site, everything just wasn't clear. They did a little prayer. The soldiers saluted Jay and played that sad music. This really go to me being that my brother is in the army. All that went through my mind at the time was my brother and his upcoming tour in Iraq and how I hoped everything would be ok. I don't think I would be able to bury another brother of mine. After that everyone got to pay their last respect to him and place a flower on his casket. Everyone got their flower and as they placed it upon the casket. Tears were flowing. I finally went and I broke down when I went up. Tonie tried to huig me and comfort me, but I wouldn't let her. She just cries more than I do and I hate it. So I moved to the back of the crowd and stood alone. The machines to put him into the ground finally came. That is the worst part and at that point, I just wanted to leave. I hate watching them do that. But apparently everyone likes watching it. Not LIKES but you know what I mean. So I had to stay there and watch it. It was one of the hardest funerals i've been to.

The funeral got me thinking about all the funerals I have ever been to. And I came to the conclusion that I have been to a funeral at least once every year, if not 2. What is wrong with my life that I lose so many people close to me? Is it a test? If it is, I know I was doing good at the beggining but now I am starting to fail at this task. I don't know how much more of this pain my heart can take. All I have ever known in my life is pain. I try so hard to not let it get to me and just stay as positive as I can. I don't show people that I am hurting. Not even my own mom. I try to stay strong for those around me. But it's time for someone to be strong for me. I think i'm finally admiting that I need someone in my life to be there solely for me. I'm usually not one to think that, but the time has come. I am a stong individual that rarely ever needs someone to care for me. I live my life according to me and no one else. I will continue to do so whether or not someone comes along.

So other than that, everything has been as "smooth" as usual. My school situation is still up in the air. But not for long cause i'm gonna make some big girl decisions. I got promoted at work. But don't tell anyone cause no one is really suppoed to know. Um, i got a new phone!!! Finally, I know. I got a white G1 from TMobile. I pretty much love it. Best phone EVAAAAAAA! Lets see, omg! I totally forgot about my JoBros experience. Yes, I went to the Jonas Brothers concert and I loved it and I am not ashamed to say that I am in love with a Jonas Brother. Joe. It was really one of the best concerts I have ever been to (after NSYNC of course;]). But the brothers sure know how to put on a show. But all those little girls need to stop screaming cause they hurt my ears. But it was soo much fun! Love it! I don't think there's anything else. WEll, my yittle man Silas is growing up so fast. I love him! He is the best baby too babysit! Def my fav baby in the world! Also, this guy. Ugh! I want his bod. He told me that I was all grown up now. And he told me that in my ear. I love him and I want his babies. All of them. I think that really is it this time. Until next time. Peace!