it happened

today.
i woke up in fear. fear of what was happening. i knew what was coming and that it was really gonna happen. no last minute changes or anything. my mom had to go in to do onventory today so i had to stay home and stay on the lookout for my brothers phone calls. i was scared. to even talk to him. i knew if i talked to him, i would cry.

while waiting, i released some sadness and fear by cleaning and of course watching rob and big. they always make me happy. then i watched zoolander. the call finally came. just hearing his voice hurt me. we talked and he wanted to talk to the littles. i could see the sadness and fear in my little brothers eyes. my sister wanted to avoid it at all cost. but she had no choice but to talk. then it was my turrn to say bye. it was hard. told him i loved him. it was hard.

mom came home. it was not her day. she was depressed all day. it hurt me to see her like that. we went to eat at waikiki hawaiian grill and then headed to my moms friends house to pray. personally, im not a big praying person. i should be but im not. my faith is being questioned right now. i think its because ive prayed so much and i havent seen anything. so right now, i in a way have given up. so i was in a way forced to pray with the family. of course i want my brother to be safe and come home safe, but. i dont know. my faith isnt the strongest in god right now.

they prayed and we stayed there for centuries. and i mean centuries. forever. i read some stuff for anthro, took pictures, finished the happy feet ds game, took more pictures, went to starbucks, portillos, slept, and went online all in the time we were at the house. amazing. bored out of my mind? i think so. we finally leave at 9 [mom, its a school night] and go to walmart. amazing. i bought some bras and a cool shirt. then we finally came home. and that was my day. i cant sleep. to stressed out. too scared. in a way im kinda jealous of my brother cause hes raveling the world. i will probably never be able to experience iraq and this is his second time. not for vayk or anything, but i bet its cool experiencing new places.


i dont know. its hard. and i know my mom is just gonna worry about him the whole time hes gone. he comes back in september for his time off [its called something cooler but i dont remember]. so thats cool. im excted for that. i dont know.