the wosrt

the worst thing ever. today is finally the day. the day my family has been praying for that it would never come. never happen. welll, today is the day my brother is being deported to iraq. i have been kinda ignoring it in a way. i avoid things so i dont have to deal with them. but then when its time for it to happen, i dont know what to do and what to say or even act. i havent really told anyone that my brother was leaving. a select few know. now thats its here, i dont want it to happen. who would have thought would figure.you cant just help but think of all the possibilities that could happen out there. the possibilities are endless. i dont know. i cant go anywhere to let my heart out, cause deep down inside i know i need to stay strong for my mom. especially for her. if she saw me break down, it would kill her. if my brother knew i was going to break down, he would feel bad. the only real genuine tears i have shed lately are in fear. fear of what the future is going to happen. fear of not knowing. fear. and most of all it kills me that my niece and nephew are being put through a whole year without their dad. and my sister in law. i know what its like for them not having a dad. but at such a young young age. it kills me. on my way home tonight i was thinking about my brother and his fanily saying their goodbyes tomorrow. him kissing his daughter. telling her how much he loves her. and how much hes gonna miss her. and her not really knowing the amount of time he will be gone. my brother holding my nephew for the last time as an infant. the next time my brother will see him, he will be crawling, walkking, and maybe even talking. they are just too young to know what is going on. and my sister in law. being put through a whole year alone. without the love of her life right beside her helping with the kids.

all i can do is pray. i guess. what more can i do? nothing. stay strong. a week or 2 ago there was rumor going around that there was a possibility that my brother didnt have to go. not wanting to get my own hopes up, i ignored it. now, hes going. and hes the only one that understands what i am going through. he is the only one that can realte 100% completely to what is happening in my life. hes gone thorugh it so he knows what it is. from the time i was little, i knew he would be the one i would go to forever. my big brother. my protector. my best friend. it was so hard saying goodbye to him when he left here to go back to kansas after break. hardest thing ever. i just hope that i can talk to him before he leaves. hear his voice. tell him how much i love him. tell him how much im going to miss him.


i love you b