thats just the way it is

do you ever just want to get away? away from what you have just to have room? space. thats life. what can we do about. i havent been in the mood for anyting lately. i kinda just want to stay hom but then i dont. there are so many things that keep running through my head. so many things i just want it to stop. i know there are so many blessings all around me and my family and friends are the center of my life, but. there is just a lot. i dont even know what to say. i guess i just want to go back. now that school is about to start, i am going back into the whole 'thinking about the future thing.' and i hate that. that is why i keep thinking about everything and stressing about everything and that is why i want to get away. i guess i just want a change. change of scenery, change of lifestyle, change of decisions. change. away from the normal. away from people that force me to be me [in a way]. just away.

so nobody really reads this so im just gonna let it out. in tahiti, the last night i got super drunk. wasted. and more. one person that i talked to more than i talk to here at home was wes. he has so many things to say and everything he always said was always tought provoking. so that last night i got wasted and acted a fool. the only reason i did that was that i was pissed off that night and i straight up said 'im gonna get drunk tongiht.' and i did. here on the mainland i have responsibilities and stuff that i never let loose. that is basically the main reason i let loose and had fun that last night. and i do not regret it at all. the next day i was walking down to the beach alone to look for people and wes stopped me. he said 'sara i need to talk to you.' ok. what he said was 'i want to thank you for last night for helping me realize that drinking is not my thing and im not gonna do it anymore.' i took it as 'you acted a fool, it was unattractive. i dont ever want to look like that so im not gonna drink.' thats probably not what he meant but thats how i took it. we talked for a little while and we went our seperate ways. while i was walking everything came rushing into my head. drinking. smoking. disobeying. failure. disappointment. the people that look up to me. people that i look up to. people that have gone and people that are to come. i realized the life i was living wasnt the one i wanted. i realized that the things that i did were unattractive not only because i had feelings for someone but because wes opened my eyes and helped me realize it. and its true. i now look around and see that drinking is not attractive. its not the buisness. it sucks that i saw it so late. but now i know. i am no one to judge people that are drinking or smoking or whatever and i have no intention of judging anyone.

the babies [my brother and sister and my niece and nephew] all look up to me now and will look up to me in the future. i want to be a role model. someone people will look at and say good things about. its never too late to change habits. and changing some habits is a good thing. for health, yourself, and the people you love around you.


so now. i do what i want. those things are in the past. and im happy in that sense. i dont need alcohol to have fun. never was much of a smoker, so its all good.

amen to that.